Blonde

Movie: Blonde

Nominated for: Best Actress

How I watched: Netflix

When I fell asleep: at the very end

When it had me: Just never

When it lost me: Every turn

What systems does it challenge: Golden Age Hollywood, Patriarchy

Content Warning: Suicide, Rape, Child Abuse, Forced Medical Procedures

Based On: Blonde by Joyce Carol Oates (a work of historical fiction)

I'm going to write this review as I watch.

Oh, baby Jesus! This movie is 2 hours and 47 minutes. I'm so angry!

We begin with trauma dumping. From child abuse to assault-as-dues into the industry, setting up Marilyn's fragility in some stilted and awkward ways.

Ana de Armas sounds nothing like Marilyn but she has captured a vibe. She's playing Marilyn as an exposed nerve, like an actual electrical filament that is sparking and twitching from feeling too much and healing too little. She is vulnerable, needy and electric. It's so gross that everyone is going to just grab on to her and touch her to make themselves feel something.

So far the movie has no score. It is spare and bleak and numbing. It feels like I'm sleep walking and I can't take 3 hours of this. Oh no, more male control and abuse! That turns into a kaleidoscopic menage a trois?! Wow, this shit is weird. We're doing an imaginary spaced out relationship thing.

There's a little synth score. Kind of white noise/mood. So many places to cut! I'm re-editing as I go. I am SO bored.

Hey! I didn't guess this movie would have a POV shot from Marilyn's cervix! I wonder if we'll be returning to that one later? (yes)

It's historical FICTION, I just found out! Gods damn it. I'm stuck back in the movie Spencer, all over again.

They are playing Marilyn as an absolute idiot. It's difficult. This movie feels abusive. Maybe that's the point? But I don't like it. The Whitney Houston movie really loved Whitney, which felt right. I don't know what this is.

It's funny that Marilyn only owns one pair of pants in this movie. To be clear, they are GREAT pants.

Each scene, grosser than the last.

Holy shit, her fetus is talking to her. Out loud! Sorry for the spoiler, but it's kind of important that you do not watch this movie.

This movie is obsessed with "daddy issues". Getting more surreal now; faces with enlarged mouths, speeding through footage, locations changing mid scene, Marilyn vomiting onto the camera lens. The stuff with JFK is super disgusting. I feel sick. Who actually watched this? How did it get nominated?

So bloated and troubling. I fell asleep with my cats and had to rewind for the last two minutes. Thank the gods it's over.

Avatar: The Way of Water

Movie: Avatar: The Way of Water

Nominated for: Best Picture, Best Sound, Best Production Design, Best Visual Effects

How I watched: AMC Dolby, with the seats that shake a little so you don't fall asleep! Smart.

When I fell asleep: Nope

When it had me: Zoe Saldana

When it lost me: Often

What systems does it challenge: Invasion, Colonization, Genocide

Content Warning: Animal Harm

Overall, I would say this is a fine movie that didn't need to be quite so overblown. I didn't hate it but, even so, right now I can mostly only think of complaints.

The visuals looked like a video game to me. I remember Avatar (the first one) feeling like a real place but maybe that is just a weird memory. I wasn't blown away by new vistas on Pandora because it just felt like a (really good) game.

I got confused by the lack of concern about mining, stealing of resources and invasion in this movie. The only concern was one family hiding. They didn't clarify if the fight would continue in their absence.

There was a slightly patriarchal vibe. Jake is kind of a typical American father that rules from a grumpy place of fear. I guess it makes sense given his background, but they have always driven home how adaptable he is and able to grow and change with new influences. Just not in this particular case, I guess. 

The story line I found most engaging was of a character, Miri, who has a mysterious origin and some interesting and as yet, untested, powers. I'm intrigued by her, so that's something positive!

My favorite scene by far was one of Zoe Saldana kicking ass.

Do I even have to mention that it was too long? Everyone! Just go cut 30 minutes out of your movie! If you've never made a movie, just cut 30 minutes out of ANY movie! Better yet, give the movies to me! Let me show you how to make them shorter! Please!

Guillermo del Toro's Pinocchio

Movie: Guillermo del Toro's Pinocchio

Nominated for: Best Animated Feature

How I watched: Netflix

When I fell asleep: I wish

When it had me: Italy

When it lost me: too many pinocchios!

What systems does it challenge: Fascism

I am so tired of watching Pinocchio movies. There have been at least 24 film versions made and three of them were released in 2022! There was one made in 2019 and it feels like I just watched it last year. I swear that supply is higher than demand, at least in my household.

What's the same this time? Pinocchio is annoying! He's always naive and carefree in the most dangerous and self-centered manner and spends the majority of the film making the absolute worst decisions. He gets warned about consequences and ignores them over and over again and then fixes it in the last ten minutes. I understand that this is analogous to children and their process of learning their place in the world or growing a superego to balance out their id, but at this point I just seethe at Pinocchio because I've seen this story so many times! How has he not learned yet???

What's different this time? Del Toro's story takes some departures from what you've seen before and links the story to the fascism in Italy during WWII. This gave it some depth (and sadly, relevance) and made it more interesting that a simple re-telling of the Disney movie. The naivete of the main character almost serves as a shield against the virus of fascism. If someone hasn't bought into any systems yet, then I suppose, they are less susceptible to falling in line with peer pressure and political manipulation. Maybe Del Toro is telling us that children will save us from fascism. I'm raising some of Gen Z and I admit to clinging to that hope with him.

In other news Cate Blanchett pulls an Alan Tudyk and voices a monkey that only communicates in grunts, growls and whimpers. So that's something.

Some of the rules set up by this version felt shaky and the movie even ends on a question. Rather than feeling like a whimsical open ending that allows you to decide something for yourself, it felt like the story teller gave up. It was like, "Well, our story ends here, we never decided where this was going." Kind of a weak way to go out if you ask me, but I'm not a fan of ambiguous endings in general.

Elvis

Movie: Elvis

Nominated for: Best Picture, Best Actor, Best Costume Design, Best Sound, Best MakeUp and Hairstyling, Best Production Design, Best Cinematography, Best Film Editing

How I watched: HBO Max

When I fell asleep: I was fighting sleep a lot in the middle

When it had me: Austin's Voice

When it lost me: The Elvis Christmas Special

What systems does it challenge: Entertainment, censorship

Content Warning: Drug addiction, Abuse of power

I wasn't even interested in this film until I saw Austin Butler on SNL. This young actor is an absolute miracle for Baz Luhrman because you can't make this film if you don't find someone who can act and also coincidentally sounds exactly like Elvis. He really is amazing.

The first third of the movie was really riveting. The exciting editing style, presentation and sound that enabled you to feel like you were witnessing Elvis for the first time; experiencing a real sort of evolution and revolution of music and entertainment. I found it all very effective.

By the time we got to the Elvis Christmas Special it felt like all of the exciting story telling was done and it took an hour to get through that damn Christmas special. This is where I found myself starting to nod off. I had to get up and make tea; it was a whole deal. Consequently, I was done with the movie before we even got to Vegas, but the movie was not done wit me.

I was shocked by the fact that I didn't like Tom Hanks in this movie at all. (I thought it was just me until the Razzie nominations came out.) I didn't particularly like the choice of showing the Colonel walking around casinos in a medical gown as a way for him to narrate the story. It didn't feel like it added anything. It was a slow slog to finish out poor Elvis's life.

Guess what? It was too long! 2 hours and 39 minutes! (What do I keep saying?)

All Quiet on the Western Front

Movie: All Quiet on the Western Front

Nominated for: Best Picture, Best International Feature, Best Cinematography, Best Sound, Best Original Score, Best Adapted Screenplay, Best MakeUp and Hairstyling, Best Production Design, Best Visual Effects

How I watched: Netflix

When I fell asleep: I don't think so

When it had me: Beautiful Visuals

When it lost me: I don't know, just war, I guess?

What systems does it challenge: Military Industrial Complex

Content Warning: War, brutal violence, self harm, PTSD

**Official Complaint: When an International Feature is nominated for Best Picture, please, Academy, remove that movie from the Best International Feature category. If it is the only one of five nominees that was worthy of best overall picture, it stands to reason that you deemed it the best international film of the year. I feel bad for every other nominee in the International Feature race this year because it seems they have no possible shot at winning and that sucks. Please correct this.**

I always wonder about the process of a movie that I haven't really heard of getting nine nominations. (Sometimes the Academy does, too. The story about the "To Leslie" nomination just broke) Aside from the possibility that I was just not paying attention, that is. Is it because of word of mouth? Or is active campaigning the only way to get there? 

Let's talk good stuff. It is beautifully shot! Very gorgeous french country side, very eerie pastels, stark and disturbing visuals, crisp focus. The acting is great, but... (well, let me get to the but later.) 

The movie's main point seems to be that every single second of WWI was trauma-inducing for everyone on the front. Unceasing, unprocessable brutality, fear and despair. We see moments of terror, moments of disgust, moments of bravery and great cowardice that are indistinguishable, one form the other. It's just an onslaught of the worst. It kept calling up for me the things you hear from relatives of veterans, "He never spoke about his time in the war", "He refused to be called a hero", "He was never the same".

How could anyone begin to speak about such things? They are completely beyond understanding. You must have trouble recalling or believing that such things ever even happened. They would become buried deep inside your body, secrets that you keep from yourself in hopes of surviving. 

Now I have to admit that I found this to be a grueling and unenjoyable watch. Two things kept me from feeling any connection to the film.

1. It is dubbed. I will say it is dubbed VERY well. But I couldn't get over the disconnect between the voices and the performance I was seeing on screen. Both were good performances and yet, fractured?  I appreciate the choice to not have viewers need to read the entire time as that robs you from seeing so many visual cues and moments, but it still felt like a barrier to me.

2. I couldn't be convinced to take the ride. To be fully transported by a film like this, you have to give yourself over to it in a way and I wasn't willing to do so. I just took the ride a few years back with 1917, I remember how awful the war in the trenches was and I could not be induced to fully go along again. I kept it at arm's length the whole time. And it was a LONG time! 2 hours, 23 minutes! Have I mentioned that the movies are too long??? Perhaps a big screen might have helped break down my barriers more?

There was a jarring and interesting musical cue of the drums of war being beaten in a random sort of pattern early on in the film. Then it stopped and didn't really come back. I thought they were signalling some other music work that would happen and in the end it felt like they didn't really follow through on that.

I'm already feeling like this movie might grow on me over time. It wasn't fun to watch but with time I can see that it was crazy well made? We'll see.

 

Bardo: A False Chronicle of a Handful of Truths

Movie: Bardo: A False Chronicle of a Handful of Truths

Nominated for: Best Cinematography

How I watched: Netflix

When I fell asleep: At a party, then again about 4 times. This was mid-afternoon. Had to take a break and come back to it the next day.

When it had me: Mild interest, minimally

When it lost me: A lot and often

What systems does it challenge: Colonization, Immigration, Television, probably a lot more

Content Warning: I don't believe so.

This seems like a good time to talk about 2022: the year of the long movie! I'm feeling so overwhelmed by all of these movies that are over 2 1/2 hours long! It feels unnecessary. It's making me grumpy as well as making me feel old! 

This film is a wild and surrealistic meandering through a person's whole life, history and career. Many visuals are very intense and interesting, many are not. They don't stitch together all that seamlessly...it truly feels as if it goes on forever.

For me, there were brief inklings of magic encased carefully in hours of confusion. I liked some sequences more than others but overall, I felt like I was watching a self-referential film by a guy who really found himself  more deeply interesting than I could ever. The movie was simply a wave I couldn't catch.

Top Gun: Maverick

Movie: Top Gun: Maverick

Nominated for: Best Picture, Best Sound, Best Adapted Screenplay, Best Original Song, Best Visual Effects, Best Film Editing

How I watched: Paramount Streaming

When I fell asleep: I was too busy undecorating my Holiday Tree

When it had me: Goose's kid

When it lost me: 1986

What systems does it challenge: I want to say "unmanned flights" but I'm not sure if that counts?

Content Warning: I don't think so, I'm still figuring out these parameters.

Ok. Deep breath. I've got this. 

I really hated Top Gun and anything Tom Cruise did for most of his career. His cocky grin thing does not evoke charm for me it evokes assholery to the nth degree and I have trouble with his face.

Now I'm going to be nice. This wasn't as bad as I thought it would be! The tension surrounding Rooster and Maverick was a big plus for me. I was able to feel empathy for Maverick in this movie because of Goose's son. He has guilt for surviving when his best friend didn't, a desire to protect his son and a need for...speed? No! A need to be a god damn human being and find a balance between protecting someone and holding them back.  

Tom Cruise's acting ability has markedly improved over the decades and I felt like that was clear in watching this movie. Watching Val Kilmer in this moment was hard and gives you lots of feelings to deal with. In fact, Tom Cruise's acting ability might have been hiding behind that very real sense of grief in that scene.

So it surprised me. Hooray!

And also? Best Picture? WHY? Best Screenplay? UGH! You're killing me a little bit.

When the shoe-horned love interest wants to see Maverick, do you know what she does? Well, I'll tell you! She drives to the hanger with her teen daughter, sends her teen daughter in to gesture vaguely at Maverick until he notices so that the love interest can position herself in a perfect lean against the car in order to look like a poster from the 1980s that I'm guessing maybe Tony Scott used to have on his wall? And then the supposed lovers go flying, abandoning her teen to spend the afternoon in an airplane hangar!!!! What even? Can I humbly request we award no Oscars for this? Please and thank you.