Blonde

Movie: Blonde

Nominated for: Best Actress

How I watched: Netflix

When I fell asleep: at the very end

When it had me: Just never

When it lost me: Every turn

What systems does it challenge: Golden Age Hollywood, Patriarchy

Content Warning: Suicide, Rape, Child Abuse, Forced Medical Procedures

Based On: Blonde by Joyce Carol Oates (a work of historical fiction)

I'm going to write this review as I watch.

Oh, baby Jesus! This movie is 2 hours and 47 minutes. I'm so angry!

We begin with trauma dumping. From child abuse to assault-as-dues into the industry, setting up Marilyn's fragility in some stilted and awkward ways.

Ana de Armas sounds nothing like Marilyn but she has captured a vibe. She's playing Marilyn as an exposed nerve, like an actual electrical filament that is sparking and twitching from feeling too much and healing too little. She is vulnerable, needy and electric. It's so gross that everyone is going to just grab on to her and touch her to make themselves feel something.

So far the movie has no score. It is spare and bleak and numbing. It feels like I'm sleep walking and I can't take 3 hours of this. Oh no, more male control and abuse! That turns into a kaleidoscopic menage a trois?! Wow, this shit is weird. We're doing an imaginary spaced out relationship thing.

There's a little synth score. Kind of white noise/mood. So many places to cut! I'm re-editing as I go. I am SO bored.

Hey! I didn't guess this movie would have a POV shot from Marilyn's cervix! I wonder if we'll be returning to that one later? (yes)

It's historical FICTION, I just found out! Gods damn it. I'm stuck back in the movie Spencer, all over again.

They are playing Marilyn as an absolute idiot. It's difficult. This movie feels abusive. Maybe that's the point? But I don't like it. The Whitney Houston movie really loved Whitney, which felt right. I don't know what this is.

It's funny that Marilyn only owns one pair of pants in this movie. To be clear, they are GREAT pants.

Each scene, grosser than the last.

Holy shit, her fetus is talking to her. Out loud! Sorry for the spoiler, but it's kind of important that you do not watch this movie.

This movie is obsessed with "daddy issues". Getting more surreal now; faces with enlarged mouths, speeding through footage, locations changing mid scene, Marilyn vomiting onto the camera lens. The stuff with JFK is super disgusting. I feel sick. Who actually watched this? How did it get nominated?

So bloated and troubling. I fell asleep with my cats and had to rewind for the last two minutes. Thank the gods it's over.