Better Man

You guys, I don't even think Eddie Vedder was in this movie.

Movie: Better Man

Running Time: 2:16

Nominated for: Visual Effects

How I watched: YouTube

When it had me: Nooooooo!

When it lost me: Never had me

What systems does it challenge: My Last Nerve 

I'll be typing this review live because I really DON'T want to watch Better Man. So this should be fun. I've got a Jack and Coke next to me so I can drink whenever I REALLY want to turn it off.

I've never heard of Robbie Williams. Is that weird? He sees himself as a very creepy monkey. In a world of humans. Why? The young boy monkey version doesn't even look that good to me and now I'm supposed to feel bad for him? ugh. drink.

He and his dad like Sinatra. So unique. His mom hates them both. Classic. Good for her. He's decided not to be good at what he does but just to be cheeky. Great. His dad left and he's singing in tiny sad monkey voice. drink.

(I recognize that a lot of people put a lot of effort into making this film. They did their best and critics like this movie! I'm sorry, guys. I know it's not for me; normally I just wouldn't watch but I have to, so...)

Audition scene with tension: monkey song! When is something going to happen? Ok, we're starting a boy band now with a scammy Nigel. Song and dance break like a musical. Why is he a monkey again? drink.

His mom hates his success. Apparently he is bad at singing. And no one likes him. So he gets kicked out. Let's have another self pitying song sequence. Was there a real car crash? Is this all metaphor? Who knows? drink.

At this point I got treated to a Martin tirade: This is the like the movie that nobody asked for. I mean, like why? Is this...was this made in America? Who the hell is this guy to an American audience. Why?

In the middle of a ballroom dance sequence, they cut to a couple quick shots of an abortion clinic. Strange way to introduce that topic. and, you guys? The monkey has bleached hair now!

At this point the TV gave up on life and reset itself to factory settings. I'm not even kidding. That is a BLEAK reaction to this movie. I'm fine. I'm not considering self harm and we are getting the TV the care it needs. But we are going to make it finish the movie anyway.

This monkey is a dick. I don't know what's going on. I think we're montaging. If we could just sort of speedball montage the rest of this story we'd get through it faster. So many daddy issues. drink.

Ok. Big concert. How have I never heard of this guy that thinks he's the biggest star in the world? A video game broke out! All the monkeys are fighting now. I want to go to sleep so bad! I'm all out of drink and he's about to sing again, damnit.

Now I have the hiccups. Maybe I do need a factory reset. He shaved, but only his head. Weird, right? You're covered in hair but your head is bald. oh, we're making monkey amends now.

Oh my gods I think it might be over! Did I make it? Shit, no. He's going to sing again. And also? Planet of the Apes looks better than this. I'm out! I can't believe I had to pay for this. And they never once played Pearl Jam's Better Man. So dumb.